Beyond Just Hearing

How are you with listening? Would you say you are an excellent listener? A compassionate listener? An engaged listener? Or, do you find yourself thinking about the next best thing to say while you are suppsed to be listening? Blurting out ‘fix-it’ options or unwelcomed advice in hopes to redirect the conversation? Does either of these aspects strike a cord with you? Did you know that listening is actually beyond just hearing? It’s the pauses that say so much.

When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know.  When you listen, you may learn something new… Dalai Lama

I’ve been reading a devotional called Loving through Listening.  A great read and a great tool in helping your listening skills.  Listening is being attuned to a person’s heart – joining them in their story.  Sharing their joy and their sorrow.  It’s a window into the other person’s emotional world.  Allowing that person to fully share their heart. A good listener shows that you care. A good listener knows when to pause and allow the silence to direct.

To learn more how we handle the quiet pauses, we first must learn about good and bad listening.  

How To Be A Good Listener:

• Keep your mind and heart open
• Give your undivided attention
• Be fully present
• Engage with them (but do not bulldoze the conversation and turn it into your story)

All of these ‘skills’ offer the other person recognition that they are being honoured and heard – their story witnessed.

Sometimes, although we mean well, we can often head down a path that is not helpful and can actually discredit your loved one.

Ways That Discredit Listening:

• Bulldozing – offering insight into someone’s story, but providing advice/insight/thoughts that are unwelcomed or too soon
• Offering too much advice – can actually dismiss the person’s heart.  They simply may have wanted to share, not wanting to be fixed
• Diverting the story – Turning their story into yours.  This puts the focus on YOU instead of your loved one.  A selfish act of listening
• Having no response – no acknowledgment – verbal or nonverbal may occur due to being unsure how to respond, but it leaves the person questioning or even nervous

The few above skills can be quite helpful in strengthening your listening skills with your friends and loved ones.  Even strengthening within your workplace or social groups.  

Now that you have been refreshed on the good and bad aspects of listening, did any of those points resonate with you?  Are you the type of person who is fully attentive when listening, nodding and acknowledging the other person, but allowing them to fully complete their thought with no personal interruptions?  

Or, are you the type that interjects throughout, turning the subject onto yourself, redirecting the conversation into a whole other topic or bulldozing your own advice and fix-it answers?  

Regardless of the type of listener you are – whether you are a textbook ‘good’ listener or a ‘textbook’ poor listener – today’s thoughts are not directed on correcting or acknowledging those behaviors.  We needed to understand the differences in listening in order to pinpoint the purpose of the ‘pause’ in listening.  

Sidenote:  These ‘pause’ moments may occur even without a purpose.  Sometimes, they are necessary for the speaker to reflect on their thought and sometimes they are necessary for the listener to take in what is being said. 

A pause can be golden.  

A pause may be awkward at times.

A pause can feel like you need to rescue yourself or your loved one.

Knowing the purpose of a ‘pause’ moment may help us be attune to the situation.  What does the other person need right now?  What is beyond what we are hearing? What are they really trying to say? Sometimes, it’s in their facial expressions or fidgeting that we can interpret the meaning. Sometimes, it is simply about the need for them share their heart. And sometimes, it is the matter of having a quiet moment for themselves to reflect on their issue. They feel safe with you to open up and not be judged.

We all have a story to be told that is worthy of kindness, attentiveness, undivided attention, and love even if it is by being fully engaged and allowing the pauses to guide you.  Don’t be scared of the quiet.  Don’t feel the need to jump in with empty words. And don’t discredit what their pause is saying. It does take time to embrace it.  It does take practice, but it is so worth it.  It gives the person the comfort and trust they are desiring to open up and share. It gives you both a connection. It shows an abundance of unconditional love.

Maybe that is why God gave us 2 ears and only 1 mouth.  We need to listen twice as much and speak only when necessary.  Just something to ponder….. (a nice reminder even for myself as I am a work in progress with my listening skills and embracing the pause moments).

We are all working on bettering ourselves – or atleast we should be. Is listening and embracing the pause moments an area where you need some tweaking? It’s ok if you do. We are all imperfect beings with cracks and flaws, but remember that you are gifted with ears to listen and a heart to hear. So, be on the look out for those ‘pause’ moments and really listen to what’s beyond the hearing.